Rebirth: Part 1

I wake up to walls lined with bright green and red banners waving in an imaginary breeze. The LCD’s brightness hurts my eyes and I shuffle pillows around until I can’t see beyond their cotton softness. It may be the 10th anniversary of our Rebirth but that doesn’t mean I have to get out of bed. Behind closed eyes I recognize the switch from sunlit streets to the glow of interior LEDs, as the soft tremor of a voice ascends in volume and sends me jolting upright.

“My fellow citizens, today marks the 10th anniversary of our triumph against a generation of evil." Oh man, he is gorgeous! I swoon, reaching for my phone that alerts me to a message as soon as I touch the screen.

Marla

xxx-xxx-xxxx

Marla: Marcus Dots is on! Are you watching? He is so gorgeous!!!
Me: I'm watching! He's wearing blue, too! You're favorite!
Marla: I know I could just die! Call me when he's off? I don't wanna miss a second of this.

I lower my phone to my lap and turn my attention back to the wall where bigger than life Marcus stares at me lying half-naked in my bed. I reflexively pull the sheet up around my neck, even though I know he can't see me, and try to focus on what he is saying.

"Ten years ago today President Von Buren signed a presidential order overturning Roe v. Wade and making all abortions illegal. One year later he signed the Walker Act that added miscarriages to the list of illegal acts against the not yet born. Since that day over 500 thousand women and men have been punished for their unGodly actions. Today is a day of triumph and celebration. Let us rejoice in Von Buren's name for all those not yet born who were saved from fates worse than death. Praises eternal!” Marcus lifts his chin and closes his eyes while simultaneously lifting his hands so that their palms face me and I can see the scar from when he was eight and blocked a falling shovel from hitting his little sister in the head. So brave, I swoon again and hear my phone chirp to life on my lap from what I know is Marla’s similar response.

Marcus holds this pose for a second and then looks out into the camera--and into my bedroom again, “Let’s go over to Sara and hear about what events are planned for today’s Rebirth celebration. Sara?” The screen fades out. When it reappears a petite blonde is standing where Marcus’ beautiful features were moments ago. I roll my eyes as my phone buzzes and chirps once more.

Marla

xxx-xxx-xxxx

Marla: Vomit! I hate her.

Me: I know! And I hate the way he says her name! Gag!

Marla: They just need to fire her already. She isn’t even a good reporter.

I am tapping out my response when my screen cuts off, and auto-response from the bedroom door opening as my mom walks into the room.

“Jesse time to get up,” she looks at me through the half-open door but doesn’t walk into the room.

“What? Why do I need to get up?” I ask tapping the back button on my phone so I can see the clock a little clearer. It is only 8:15 AM.

My mom rolls her eyes. She actually rolls her eyes! “Honestly, I think if I wasn’t here you, your dad, and your brother would lose your heads. You have your monthly check today, remember?”

And then I do remember. Every month girls and women between the ages of 12 and 45 have to appear to be tested for pregnancy. It is some reporting system that was put in place before I can remember. The interruption of my summer mornings has been a struggle for me but my mother wouldn’t allow me to miss a check for fear they would cart me away to jail or worse fine us. We couldn’t have that, now could we? I think to myself as I scoot out of bed and walk toward my bathroom.

Culture Shock and Taking Stock

I recently accepted a position as the librarian at a middle school. I didn't really think it would be too rough of a change as I worked at a middle school for a couple of years before moving onto the previous position I had at a high school. But just so you are aware--high school students are one thing--middle school students are something completely different (trust me). Beyond the students, this position wasn't something I was 100% prepared for if I am being completely honest.

Whenever you start a new job you have to take all of the new changes in stride and remember that at one point in time your old job felt exactly the same and that soon enough things won't feel so off. How you get to that point of not feeling so off is another story and this situation was no different. Not only did the school in question not have a full time certified librarian last year but the year before that wasn't much better with the librarian leaving halfway through the year. So, that means when I walked into the library I was the first certified librarian there for almost two years. That's a long time in school years!

The library didn't look awful--it was/is actually very neat and friendly (the new carpet helps a bunch I am sure). When I asked the administration what the library policies and procedures were from last year he blatantly told me that there really weren't any and that a substitute had filled the role (woot!). So, not only was I coming into a position where I am brand new to the school and school district but I am also coming into a position where the foundation of the library program is very much like attempting to walk on molten lava. What? Do you think that simile is a bit too drastic? Well, obviously you have never worked with middle schoolers then. Welcome to the land of over dramatic everything! Let me explain what I mean though. See without circulation policies in place I didn't even know how many items students could normally check out or even how overdue were handled or anything really--and with middle schoolers you can't just NOT KNOW. That is some dangerous territory you don't want to tread into. What did I do? I tried to reach out to some other librarians within the district to see what policies they had in place. I, also, reached out to the Director of Library Services within our district to see if she could provide some guidance (yes we have one and yes it is the most amazing thing!). Well after some in-person and email conversations I started a year with at least an idea about how many items the students could have. It wasn't a lot but that is what happens when you walk on lava for a living.

Along with policies and procedures, I was adjusting to the students in general. I had entered a world where I was a clear minority and where I had/have very little experience. It was like visiting another country for the first time--culture shock and all. So what happens when you take a country girl and place her in an intercity middle school? Well, I guess you will have to just check back and see.

Dear Daughter, You are My Strength

My sweet girl,

Tomorrow is the first day of my new job in a new town and it is also your first day full time at daycare. Both of these things are super big and exciting but for some reason, I can only focus on one of them. I want you to know that I never intended on you being in someone else's care for so many hours of our days. And as I lie in bed right now, snuggling you close and breathing you in, while you nap on our last day together I can feel the pressure and anxiety building inside me. There is so much to prepare for and do before tomorrow when our adventures begin. I should be grateful for these few moments to myself.

But the truth is I don't want to move.

I want to hold onto you tighter and feel your breath against my skin and the thumping of your little heart against my chest. I want to soak in all this love and warmth so when I walk into that daycare tomorrow and place you in your teacher's arms I can have something tangible, even if only a memory, to hold onto. I know I am going to be a blubbering mess-- I will probably even cry more than you. But I also know that this love we share between us will always give me the strength I need to do what I have to in order to make our lives better.

You are my purpose, my motivation, and all the strength I will ever need. I love you.


Love,

Mommy