All This Waiting I Do

It is Tuesday. On Sunday my husband leaves for another business trip--this time for two weeks. When he told me he would have to make another trip out of town I had to hold back angry tears. I told him to keep me posted on the dates and details so I could, not only physically prepare the house and the girls, but mentally prepare myself.

This whole thing reinforces the fact that being a parent is hard. No one ever said it was an easy gig, and I don't think anyone ever will. What makes it even harder is the constant hovering potential of falling into the feeling of being alone in it. In reality, one could argue that we are all alone--that we are born alone and die alone, but there is something different about the loneliness that comes with parenthood. You would think that once you have a child that you are never alone and maybe that is true in some ways, when you face the neverending task of raising and protecting another human it can force you into a mental space where no one else can fit.

Then you find you are alone even when you're really not.

I work full time and have the chance to see and interact with other people outside of my children on a daily basis, which helps keeps me from falling into that space. Even though I work at a middle school and am constantly surrounded by children and people it is hard to not go home on days when I know my husband is away on a business trip and not find myself in that space. And it makes sense that I might go there, after all, I alone will pick up my children, cook them dinner, and get them to bed while he is not there to help. In the morning, I alone will get them dressed and take them to their daycare before I go to work. While he is gone this will be the role I fill while trying to hold onto the me that exists separate from my children.

And I will spend the entire two weeks just waiting for him to come back.

I will wait like I always do.
I will wait for him to come back and drag me out of the space.
I will wait for him to remind me that I am not alone after all.

 

Shelf Dilemma

Tonight is Open House for our school and I have been cleaning like a mad person trying to get things ready. I really don't want parents coming into the library and thinking that there is some slob crazy person teaching their kids. I know that I shouldn't expect to have everything perfect when we haven't even been in school for a month and when I am taking over in a position that hasn't been really filled in years. Does that mean I don't want things to be perfect? Um, NO! Throughout the day I barely sit down because I am so busy cleaning areas of the library, hanging signs, organizing closets, and so much more. Personally I strive every day to make this place as perfect as I can, and then the students come in and I have to accept the mess and move on. By the end of each class period I am struggling to keep tables lined up and books from falling over on shelves. I am picking up forgotten notebooks and pencils even though the students know better. The truth is that I clean here as much as I clean at home and it is equally as exhausting and I barely have enough energy to clean my house!

With that I have made a decision that many librarians will not agree with but we have to pick our battles, do we not? It is well known in libraries that books should be shelved with the spines out and lined neatly up about half an inch from the lip of the shelf. This helps the shelves look even and doesn't allow for smaller books to be pushed further back than larger ones. Like this:

Looks nice, doesn't it? Well I want to be the person to tell you that it is all a sham! Those neat rows of books are a horrible pain in my librarian rear end and I am not afraid to say it. See students come in and they pull books off those shelves, and in the process shove the entire row or parts of the rows back which leaves me with half neat shelves and half messes ones. And here is where my dilemma arises. I spend hours a week fixing shelves where the books have been shoved back--pulling them back into their neat little rows--just to have a student come in behind me and wreck it all. So, do I keep wasting this time making neat rows as is "proper" library shelf etiquette? Well of course not.

From now on all of my shelves will hold books that are pushed back and not neatly lined up. I mean why fight it? Today is the day I push all the books back and rejoice at not so neat, but otherwise cleaned and organized, rows! 

Dear Daughter, You are My Strength

My sweet girl,

Tomorrow is the first day of my new job in a new town and it is also your first day full time at daycare. Both of these things are super big and exciting but for some reason, I can only focus on one of them. I want you to know that I never intended on you being in someone else's care for so many hours of our days. And as I lie in bed right now, snuggling you close and breathing you in, while you nap on our last day together I can feel the pressure and anxiety building inside me. There is so much to prepare for and do before tomorrow when our adventures begin. I should be grateful for these few moments to myself.

But the truth is I don't want to move.

I want to hold onto you tighter and feel your breath against my skin and the thumping of your little heart against my chest. I want to soak in all this love and warmth so when I walk into that daycare tomorrow and place you in your teacher's arms I can have something tangible, even if only a memory, to hold onto. I know I am going to be a blubbering mess-- I will probably even cry more than you. But I also know that this love we share between us will always give me the strength I need to do what I have to in order to make our lives better.

You are my purpose, my motivation, and all the strength I will ever need. I love you.


Love,

Mommy