"I have two boy colors and three girl colors," my three year old daughter said holding out her markers for me to see them. We were spending a little quiet time coloring while her younger sister took a nap and as she separated the colors for each of us to use she continued talking "Here mommy, you can have the blue, I don't like it. I'm not a boy."
"Wait, what do you mean? Blue isn't just for boys." But she was already coloring away with the pink and yellow markers clutched tightly in one hand and the purple uncapped in the other--no longer listening to me as I tried to convince her she could also like blue as a girl.
Does this scenario sound familiar to you? Are you also struggling to convince your young child that their gender isn't a determining factor in who they are, what they like, or what they can be? Or that the green cup works just as well as the purple one?
I hear and understand your struggle and so I am here to present you with five ways to help your child look past the gender stereotypes that bombard them on a daily basis and realize that it is ok to just be who they are. And even to drink out of that green cup occasionally.
Give them options when choosing toys.
Toys are already advertised towards specific children so believe me when I say your child is getting a lot of feedback into what he/she should like based on their gender. So how do you compete with the billion dollar organizations telling your daughter to play with dolls and wear makeup? The first thing is to allow your child an equal opportunity to choose from a variety of toys down the mega pink doll aisle and down the cars and action figure aisle. Giving them the chance to look at and choose from a variety of toys allows them to figure out what they actually like and not just what they should like.
Encourage other family members to do the same when they take your child shopping or are selecting birthday or other presents. The more open and acceptable you make it to play with non gendered toys the easier it will be for your child to feel comfortable selecting and choosing to play with those toys themselves.
2. Don't just shop "gendered" sections for clothing.
Does your son gravitate toward pretty princess t-shirts or does your daughter think dinosaurs are the coolest thing ever? Encourage these interests--allow them to buy and wear their princess or dinosaur shirt without judgement.
It is important to remember to try not to fall into the self judgement where you think that other parents will view you as horrible for letting your son wear a unicorn tshirt. Recognize that their opinions should not be the building blocks of your child's mental health and acceptance of themselves. Additionally, your own discomfort with something will be a sign to your child that they are doing something "wrong." Do your best to remind yourself that they are child and it is only through experience that they can grow into the person they are going to be.
3. Let all colors be an option.
When considering clothing as well as other items, do not continue to pick things for your son/daughter based on the color of the item.
I have often purchased "boy" shoes for my daughter because she liked the boy characters in a television show and those characters were not represented on the girl version of the shoes. She loved them because they had her favorite character on them and didn't care at all that they were labelled "boy" on some store shelves.
Beyond clothes and toys, refrain from giving out colors that are associated with genders. If, for example, you are giving your child a cup to drink out of don't just pick the purple and pink ones but pull out that green one or the blue one. Show them that these colors are good too and you don't have to be a boy to use them.
4. Share your favorites with your child.
Tell your child what your favorite color is and what the favorite colors of other adults in their lives are to help them see that it is acceptable to like any color they want to like regardless of their gender.
Speak with your child about women and men who work similar jobs, compete in similar sports, or participate in similar activities. Showing your child that one sport or career can be done by both genders shows them that gender is not a restriction or guideline for them to follow.
5. Share the love and share the work.
If your child lives in a household of two different gender parents then take turns fulfilling household duties. Children can grow up thinking that only moms cook dinner or do laundry and dads mow lawns and fix cars. Take the opportunity to change your child's mind before they settle on this idea. Make sure you and your partner take turns doing the chores--dad can cook some nights and mom other nights, mom can mow this time and dad the next. Help your child see that no one job falls to one person just because of their gender.
In the end, being ok with liking a "boy" color isn't the biggest thing gained from practicing non gender conforming actions. Children, like my daughter, have the opportunity to grow up in a world where they are not going to be held back from any of their dreams or ambitions just because of their gender--and I think that is something we all can agree is worth a little work and discomfort on our end.
